October 2, 2003
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Steps following steps,
dried leaves lie crushed on concrete –
A path to nowhere.
10.02.03
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Years ago, when I felt like this, I’d search out dark coffee houses with my sketch/notebook and spend time writing and sketching. Kuperinicus was a good place for that.
I feel like I need to do something with my life. Like I’ve been treading water for no purpose. Like my existence for the past decade has been a shallow drift through life.
There are those who have tried to help me along the path, but I seem to lack the will or fortitude to take advantage of their help, because ultimately, someone can only show you the path, but to walk down the right ones takes both courage and effort.
Maybe I’m just a coward, or maybe I’m just lazy, but I seem to keep taking the easier path that leads me to where I am now — nowhere.
Maybe it is just the changing of the seasons that has put me in this mood.
Maybe it is just that my motorcycle has been in the shop for too long and I haven’t been able to ride.
Maybe it is that I approach another anniversary of my entrance to this world, and not only do I not have anything more to show for it, I’m in a significantly worse position than I was last year. Last year it was pointless, but I had money. This year, it is pointless and I’m broke and more or less without income.
I’m sure I could go find another job, but what’s the point? Another year or two of treading water before it all crashes down again. Jobs just become a distraction – something I throw myself into so I ignore actually trying to improve. Something I grow frustrated with and begin to do poorly, and that frustration serves to occupy my interest. Something I lose or leave and have to figure out what to do next, and that need serves to occupy my interest.
All the while, more time has gone by and I have in truth, done nothing. Moved some pixels, flipped some bits. Meaningless.
I know I need to find something worthwhile to do, but all the worthwhile things either wouldn’t pay my mortgage or are already being done by people with more ability and worth. People who struggled along the hard paths while I drifted down the easy ones.
Oh yeah. Incongruous way to finish this up, but, I was supposed to share all 10 of these monstrosities:
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I think I’d heard that one from my friend Keith first.
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Hugs