August 23, 2005
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I’ve had a livejournal account for some time, but haven’t used it, other than to leave a few comments. I’m going to start double posting here and there, and see if I want to switch.
The Minnesota Renaissance Festival has started, and for some reason, I haven’t been able to get excited about going.
This is really strange to me as I have always enjoyed going (or working there) and I miss it.
I used to work there but haven’t last year or this year. I still subscribe to the MRFFriends mailing listserve and keep up to date with the gossip, drama, and goings on. Until just now, I hadn’t even been able to ask the webmaster to change my listing to read that I no longer work there.
I went last year, and did have fun seeing people, but it was kind of like looking through the window at a party that you know is a lot of fun but that you no longer belong at.
I miss it, its going on right now, but yet…
Interestingly, I kind of get the same feeling when I go back to Ground Zero now. All the staff are great to me, and I know I could work there in a heartbeat if I wanted to, but yet, going there is no longer the same.
For some reason, I no longer dance. I’ve seldom been able to dance without a little liquid fortification, but its been ages since I’ve danced. I think the last time was at a Violent Femmes concert.
I feel like the fun has gone out of my life. Drinking is a vice that makes me clumsy and less aware. Smoking will cost me. Other drugs will get me locked away, or worse, turn me into an empty shell. World of Warcraft will suck hours of my life away that I should spend doing more productive things. Motorcycling burns fossil fuels which gets us into wars and destroys the environment. Camping brings out an uptight complainer in me that I’m not sure used to be there. Even cooking burns natural gas (or coal generated electricity) which brings us back to that fossil fuel thing.
It isn’t to say that I don’t still enjoy a drink, that I still don’t enjoy going for a ride, that I still don’t enjoy camping, that cooking doesn’t give me happiness, but it seems like so many things I like to do have some sort of taint to it. I feel like Peter Pan is dying and my attempts to revive him will only raise a zombie, a shade.
And now, Joy and I are having some difficulties. We had a nice vacation together, but things took a sharp turn for the worse when we got home. Historically, this has been a tough time of year for us, but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less. Doesn’t keep the food from tasting a bit like ash. Doesn’t keep the fear at bay.
I walked almost 8 miles yesterday, but instead of calming and enjoying myself, I felt like I was caught in a feedback loop of frustration. Ok, there was a cool moment watching woodchucks, but then some bicyclists came along and chased them with their bikes.
And politics? Even thinking about politics makes me want to grab the nearest weapon I can find and start laying waste. So much greed and hate, its poison.
The worst part of it is, over the past 3 or 4 years, I’ve been liking myself less and less. I used to feel like I was a great guy, but that has been falling away as I’ve been exposed to the consequences of my actions and behaviors.
The fire that used to make me relatively successful seems to have burned out, and now, I’ve come to realize, I don’t think I’m even very interesting any more.
I know I can get it back together. I can stop making the mistakes that I regret. I can start being productive or interesting or something again. I have no right to this frustration. I was raised by loving parents, born to one of the wealthiest nations on earth, given more advantages than the vast majority of people born on this planet. I am a white, male, english speaker. I am healthy, and I am educated. The world is at my fingertips (and it is), what right do I have to this self pity?
…
A book I recently read, written in the early 1900s, had an interesting characterization of vampires.
Vampires were not the undead, they were the living dead. Each of us must take from the world and the people around us in order to exist. Everything we consume has to come from somewhere, all the energy we get comes from somewhere. However, people who are alive give a great deal back to the world as well. They add to the energy of the world, the thoughts, the creativity, the hope, the life. Once something has stopped giving, it becomes dead. If it doesn’t have the decency to stop existing at the same time, it is vampiric. (I say “it” because the author thought ideas and concepts could be vampires as well)
I feel like I’m on the road to becoming a vampire, and I don’t want to be.
This post was a thought evolving as it was written – I only meant to write about the fest. It will be interesting to see if having thought/written it makes a difference.
Comments (4)
You know, I missed Convergence last year and the year before (after going for 9 years in a row) and just realized when I missed it this year that I probably won’t ever go back again. It’s the same “window” feeling you have, like you’ve suddenly, for no explainable reason, outgrown that particular “party”. I think you nailed it when you said you’re burned out. It happens, take a rest. I think you’re wrong though when you said you have no right to complain. You do. Intelligent people face burn out faster/more than the less intelligent; you are aware of everything around you and it can get incredibly frustrating trying to change the status quo in a country of “blind” people. From what I’ve seen (read, however you want to put it) you work hard to change things, or at the very least to lessen the negative impacts around you, that takes work and can lead to frustration. I hope things look up for you soon.
Oh yeh, I see your like the 4th or 5th person on my subscription list getting a livejournal.
I s’pose I’m going to have to eventually learn that one, everyone seems to be going that way. I tried it once a long, long time ago, but since I already knew how to work Xanga I stayed here. 
Take solace in your misery – it means you are worth enough to care.
Love you babe, we’ll work things out.